June 20, 2012

Tom’s Review on Lollipop Chainsaw

Lollipop Chainsaw Review

So after finishing a podcast, a cute and adorable Japanese nut job asked me “What game are you going to review next?” It was a good question, as games and new titles were becoming slim. Like an idiot, I said “I don’t know..pick something,” and she said in an explosion of anime rainbows and teddy bears “LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW!” I laughed and laughed, wiping tears from my eyes and slapping the table as I took her words as a jest, but as I looked at her face contorted into seriousness, I realized I was doomed to spend 65 dollars on a game I had no intention of playing.

As I shoved my 65 precious dollars into the Lamestop employees fat whorish faces, I looked at the purplish and colorful box with disdain. For one, it broke the first rule on my “Bad game” detection list. It was light, and boy do I mean light. Inside, the instruction booklet was two pages consisting of the main character, Juliet sucking on a lollipop in a suggestive manner, while the rest was just warnings about seizures and all that other safety crap so they don’t get sued. Basically the entire box was screaming “Fat tittied dumb blond american girl licks lollipops! BUY US! LOOK UP SKIRT AND MASTURBATE!” The game was made by some famous guy named Suda 51. He made Killer 7 on the ps2, a rather trippy game that I enjoyed briefly before becoming bored and tossing it to Lamestop for two bucks worth in trade ins. Seems like he also created Shadows of the Damned, a lame rip off Devil may Cry, which was filled with tits as well, like lollipop chainsaw.

lollipop-chainsaw1

Now, let me get something clear. I’m not like most of the asshole reviewers who review games and bitch about tits and therefore must be a shitty game. No, I approve of these things. I think there should be much more mature or adult content in a game. It opens the doors for new ideas and experiences without resulting to becoming a porn game. Look at Witcher 2 for instance. The whole game was mature and bordering Adult, yet it still had a great story and solid gameplay. THIS UNGODLY GAME however..was just sleazy for sleazy’s sake. Twenty minutes into this abomination leads you to a tiny japanese man who looks up the main characters skirt, and talks to her ass for an entire cut scene. Why? Because Suda 51 thought it was funny. I suppose it was, but when you start the game on silly perverted bullshit, and add more silly perverted bullshit, the game starts to just smell like bullshit.

The story was beyond retarded. Juliet is some cheerleader whore with the IQ of a scrap of rice paper, and is also part of a big zombie hunter family or some crap. Her family consists of a sniper, an unmedicated 16 year old sociopathic slut, a slutty milf that didn’t make it into the Brady Bunch, and a Vietnam vet who has a thing for ass’s. It’s Juliet’s birthday, and she was suppose to meet some football jock that she loves “OH SO MUCH” and get her birthday present from him which probably consisted of canola oil, a broken condom, and his dick stuck in the box with a lollipop duct taped to the tip of it.  She meets him at her high-school, but zombies are everywhere and her boyfriend gets bitten blah blah blah, you get the picture. She actually saves her boyfriend from getting zombified by cutting off his head, and using some magic spell to keep it alive. I found a strange sense of familiarity with the talking head as it bounced off the main characters ass, saying things like “Kill me please.” or “I miss my penis”, because thats exactly the sort of thing I was saying to myself as this game visually castrated me and forced me to continue on for this review.

lollipop-chainsaw-nick

In the end, the game was only six levels. Yes, Six. I beat this game in under six hours. It was quite bland, and I managed to save 90% of the classmates in the game, so its not like I wasn’t trying any of the other side crap in this shitty game. When you beat it, you unlock hard mode, and time trials or whatever to rank yourself worldwide, though why you would even bother is beyond me. The controls are clunky, the combos are lame, the graphics are very poorly done, and the whole game just felt like a rushed piece of shit. Even the pervy costumes you unlock couldn’t save the game. There is one costume where you just get some seashells plastered on your nips and privates, and I just didn’t have the will to play through the game again to earn enough coins to buy the damn thing. I couldn’t jerk off to this game even if I wanted too. The whole thing seemed like Suda 51’s way of saying “American cheerleaders are dumb bitches, and I hate vikings, death metal, rock and roll, elvis, and Romaro movies. Go fuck yourselves. Japanese people rule.” Really, the whole story and boss battles all seem to be Suda 51’s way of giving the finger to everyone that pissed him off or picked on him in high-school.

If you like dumb blond’s who think lollipops are a good source of calories, and have no concern for cavities, then this is the game for you. Otherwise just avoid this one. Get Bayonetta, its cheaper, more fun, AND you get to see her naked ass when she uses her powers.

Juliet: “I EAT LOLLIPOPS FOR CALORIES SO I CAN KEEP UP WITH MY CHEERLEADER TRAINING!”

Severed boyfriend’s head: “Please kill me…”

Lollipop Chainsaw Review Score

Gameplay

Story

Graphics

Audio

2.8

"Terrible"