August 28, 2013

Dem Ain’t Russians, Sarge.

The Bureau: XCOM Declassified Review

I just want to set you all down, and walk you through the experience I have had with this game. You kids ready? Okay. Here we go.

I boot the game up, get through the intro stage, shoot some aliens, computer slows down, graphics chug, and I die. The end.

…..yup…that’s it. That’s the game for me. I know this is on console, and I’m sure if I got it on console I would be fine, but when my expensive doom computer that can play every other game I own on max settings cant even play a simple console port, we have issues. Unlike Xcom: Enemy Unknown, this title is poorly optimized for PC. Even with reflections off, Anisotropic Filtering off, Shadows, textures and everything set to low, the game chugs up like its having a heart attack. Until they patch it, its pretty unplayable.

"Jim, we have a problem..this game we are in is shitty.."
“Jim, we have a problem..this game we are in is shitty..”

If graphics are not the problem, it’s the game play that will muck you up. The game attempts to be a third person shooter clone of Mass Effect and Brothers in Arms. Its one of those games where you have to constantly hold the AI’s hand and tell them what to do, or they will accidentally look down the barrel of their own gun and pull the trigger. Your team mates can level up and learn different abilities, like deploying turrets or summoning air strikes, but that doesn’t matter since they seem to charge into alien gun fire and absorb all the bullets to their fat faces. When they die, they die for good, just like original Xcom, which makes this game even more annoying. So not only do you have to hold the AI’s hand the entire way through the game, but you also have to make sure they don’t choke on their own vomit and kill themselves, otherwise those precious levels you some how DID manage to get them is lost forever.

When the game gets more patches, I’ll play it some more and give a more detailed review, but as it is the game can go suck a sectoids prick.

"Dem ain't Russians, sarge."
“Dem ain’t Russians, sarge.”

The Bureau: XCOM Declassified Review Score